Judged

--Judged-- by Sandy Swenson
"My child became an addict in his teens, lured to drugs and alcohol by a culture that glorifies substance use—the same culture that now, so ignorantly and harshly, passes judgment on him. And me.
I am judged for helping, fixing, and pushing (or not helping, fixing, or pushing enough) this sick child of mine who won’t be helped or fixed or pushed.
I am judged for over-reacting and under-reacting, enabling and letting go. Most hurtful of all, I am judged to be a mother whose love must be somehow flawed.
When my child became an addict, I became the mom of an addict—a role I wasn’t prepared for and certainly didn’t want. It’s a role the whole world seems to have an opinion about, whether they know anything about addiction or not.
Whatever I do (or don’t do) I am judged to be wrong, but I no longer pay attention to that. I just keep doing what I’m doing, with love."
Excerpt from my book 'Tending Dandelions: Honest Meditations for Mothers with Addicted Children’. ©Sandra Swenson 2017. [Hazelden]

John 10:10 and The Christmas Tree

I have not decorated a Christmas Tree since 2013 ... and that year, it was down before the day arrived.
Have I missed it? No. I missed the memories of the years leading up to that Christmas, but not that Christmas or any Christmas since. Fact is, I wouldn't have a Christmas Tree this year had my mom not ordered me one online (see picture) and had it shipped to my house!
I spent the night with her for the Thanksgiving holiday this year and she said, "It's time to put up a Christmas tree, Sandy." I didn't respond because I knew she was right but, selfishly, I didn't want to do it. I knew when I opened that box of ornaments that I'd be faced with the memories of 18 Christmases leading up to 2013, and I didn't want to face them. I didn't want to be reminded of the lost innocence or think about the memories we weren't allowed to make in the following years, let alone remember the actual years. I didn't want to admit how much it hurt - still hurts - and how much I miss what the enemy has stolen from me. Actually, even more than any of that, I ache for what it has stolen from my Nellie.
I say 'stolen' and some may debate that since a great deal of it was by choice; however, it was choices made under the influence of lies and manipulations of his wickedness. For me, it was John 10:10, "the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy..." and that he did.
Oh, but beauty instead of ashes is what my Father so is so tenderly showing me! (Isaiah 61:3) As His Word holds ever true, He lovingly and faithfully continues to work in the heart and lives of his children by healing, restoring, comforting, and bringing peace in the wildest storms. Hands raised high in surrender, Praise God, I am one of His children! I know He was always with me. I know He never left my side! I know, too, because of His love and protection, I will have the opportunity to spend future Christmases with my girl. I never doubted His love for me; I just didn't want to let go of this particular hurt. He allowed me to grieve because His timing is perfect.
Over the past several months, long before the "Christmas" season started according to the calendar, I've been hearing little whispers of "CHRIST-mas is coming" during my quiet time; in my prayer time; throughout my Bible reading and devotions - "CHRIST-mas is coming." 
Yes, my momma was correct.  It was time for me to put up a CHRIST-mas tree because the time has come for me to live in the second and most important part of that same verse, "I came that they may have life and have it in abundance."
As I unwrapped those delicate ornaments, tears flowed freely. Like ripping a band aid off an open wound, it hurt. Each ornament brought a smile through the tears. Beauty from ashes. The enemy would try to thwart the healing with a piercing flash in my  mind, but my God would not let him overtake me! This was my healing! This was for God's glory!
I have not spent a Christmas with my Nellie since 2013. I may not spend it with her this year ... or any other year the Lord allows me to bear witness to ... but whether I do or whether I don't, I will not take for granted the joy of celebrating the birth of my Savior for another second! It is true, the holidays are not easy for a lot of us. The more important truth remains ... He is worthy of my praise no matter what!

For unto us a Child is born,

Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.

And His name will be called

Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:67

Rediscover the day - November 30, 2013

He got ahold of my life ...

"I Got Saved" by Selah

I am restored and made right, 

HE GOT AHOLD OF MY LIFE -

I've got Jesus - how could I want more!

Right there ...

Being the mom of one that is tormented by the demons of substance abuse, the judgement of the world is hurtful. Addiction to anything – drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food, video games, etc etc – is the mind control of the real enemy … Satan … and it’s been around for as long as history has been recorded. 

Look at Judas ... He was a disciple with Jesus and he was a known thief!

Why did he steal? 

He had a walking, talking, living, breathing relationship as one of the hand-picked and chosen disciples of Jesus Christ!! He had the very touch of the messiah, literally, at his fingertips. Nevertheless, something – some addiction to something – made him steal to get what he thought he needed! Imagine that … walking side by side with Jesus and still thinking he needed something more!

Ironic? 

I think not … we do it every single day! The very Spirit of the living God is alive IN you and me, yet we seek, search, crave for things that we think we need that He can’t fulfill.

                                                                                                                                      

Now, let me say, there are SOME parents fighting their own demons and trying to find their own fix. For those, I pray fervently for healing. 

On the other side, however, you have the parents that are fighting and trying everything within their power to save their child! Yes, doing everything within their power to get the ones busted that their child is getting drugs from. If their child is there at the time the bust unfolds, well, that's OK, too, because I guarantee those parents would rather visit their child behind bars than at the cemetery!

Unless you have dealt with this personally, you cannot fully understand the heartache of the parents of one tormented by the enemies' lies and substance abuse. Truth is, everybody judges right off the bat without knowing the story. That is hurtful and wrong! 

WHERE WAS THE MOM???

Right there...

At the pre-natal class.

At the parenting class.

Laboring to give birth.

Soothing her crying baby.

Rocking her baby.

Watching her baby sleep.

Right there...

Recording her baby’s milestones.

Child-proofing her house.

Preserving a tiny tooth, a clip of hair.

Strapping her baby in the car seat.

Where Was the Mom?

Right there...

At the open house for school.

At the store buying new shoes.

Reading a bedtime story.

Cooking dinner.

Packing lunch.

Where Was the Mom?

Right there...

Holding a chubby hand.

Walking to the school bus.

At the dinner table.

Helping with homework.

Driving the carpool.

At the Scout meeting.

At the teacher/parent conference.

At the baseball game.

At the dance recital.

In Sunday church.

Where Was the Mom?

Right there...

At the pediatrician.

At the orthodontist.

Driving to the music lesson.

Filling a prescription.

Wiping a runny nose.

Bandaging a scraped knee.

Right there...

Placing her child on Santa’s lap.

Wrapping presents.

Hiding Easter eggs.

Baking a birthday cake.

Lighting candles.

Trick-or-treating.

Where Was the Mom?

Right there...

Taking a prom picture.

Ordering a cap and gown.

Touring a college campus.

Where Was the Mom?

Right there...

On the phone with the addiction specialist.

At the NA meeting.

Driving to the treatment center.

At the emergency room.

In the prison waiting room.

At the Psychiatrist.

In personal and family therapy.

Driving up and down the night streets.

In her bedroom, crying.

Where Was the Mom?

Right there...

At the Coroner’s.

At the funeral parlor.

Weeping in a dark room.

Placing flowers on a headstone.

Tracing her child’s name with her fingertips.

                       

Where Was the Mom???

RIGHT THERE. 

I'm Going To Praise Him

Habakkuk 3:17-19

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

#lifeatcfbc

She Kneels on a Thousand Surrenders

"She Kneels on a Thousand Surrenders" 
 Luke 1:26-38 
 A Holy, Life Changing, Life Giving, Electrifying, Surrendered and Humble Conversation. 

In reading Luke one (Message Bible) and writing down phrases that stood out to me like gold, I narrowed it down to this: Gabriel comes to Mary and tells her ... 
1. You are beautiful with God's beauty. 
2. God be with you. 
3. God has a surprise for you. 
4. You will give birth to a son and call him Jesus. 
5. Your son will be the Son of God. 
6. Nothing you see is impossible with God. 

 And Mary's humble and brave response: "I am the Lord's servant; may it be to me as you have said."  What a response! 
She could have argued, bartered, asked more questions, doubted. She could have been paralyzed with fear. But instead, she chose to surrender and humbly accept what Gabriel told her. 
 She probably had a million questions running through her head as she thought about "Your son will be the Son of God.” 
But she trusted. She surrendered. 
Little did she know that, with each surrender, there would be never ending Hallelujahs! 
Her precious Son, Jesus, would be the Rescuer of the world. 
 Her Son would be perfect Love and perfect Peace. 

 I painted her kneeling in prayer, in a surrendered posture but with stars glittering around her because she was starting a very holy journey. 
The Journey to bring our Savior into the world … Our Savior, Emmanuel, God with us. 
Tricia Robinson

I ponder if the materialism and materialistic mindset of so many "Christians" breaks Gods heart? He sacrificed His only son for the salvation of the world ... and we say "THANK YOU" by being self serving, self sufficient, self absorbed, social club church go-ers who are more concerned with how we look, where we live, what we drive, perfect kids, and our next vacation or sporting event than we are growing His kingdom and abiding in His presence 24/7/365. I seriously don't think God cares about a Christmas tree or decorations, gifts, photos and greeting cards.
I looked in the mirror today and was sad and sickened by the shallowness of the face looking back at me.
People are hungry, homeless, broken and they need a Savior!
A Healer!
A Comforter!
A Redeemer!
My purpose in this life is spread His Word and bring Glory and Praise to Him. I fail miserably! My checkbook will attest to that. My selfishness will attest to it, as well.
I don't want to be accepted and like this world! This world and everything in it is temporary.
My hope is in Heaven and it is with reverence and fear, respect and awe, honor and complete surrender that I desire serve Him and walk in His unending, perfect love and grace.
My treasure is not temporary, it's eternal.
So, if I don't seem in the "holiday spirit" with all the decorations, shopping and sales and Santa stuff ... I'm not. I'm seriously over it. And I'm not even going to give that blasted Elf enough of my energy to be upset. It's all mockery in my opinion and it has nothing to do with celebrating the birth of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Shame on me for it taking me so long to follow the convictions of my heart.

Holy Spirit, YOU are Welcome Here ...

I have wrestled mightily with the enemy in my thoughts today.
When it has been ME, I have failed miserably. When I have captured them and given them to God, the outcome has been much better! This is not a 'one time' thing for me. It is REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT ... see, sometimes, I bring sin suffering on myself when my big ole "I" gets in focus instead of having my focus where it should be - not on myself, but on God! It's a flesh battle - a mind struggle and it's spiritual warfare. If the enemy, who IS NOT omnipresent like my God, can get his minions inside my brain with fear and doubt and anxiety and depression and comparing my life to others or my worth to anything other than HIS LOVE for me .. my own sin nature will kick in and we've got us a big ole' WAR between emotions, untruths, and THE TRUTH that I KNOW!!!
Let me just give you a couple of examples:

Enemy: You are a horrible parent ... look, your child isn't 'perfect' - it's because you divorced and worked and she wasn't raised with both parents and you were never home, and and and and and... you've read Proverbs 22:6!
The Holy Spirit: That is a Proverb. A Proverb IS NOT a PROMISE! However, you did TRAIN her ... and I gave her free will. I created her and lent her to you for a time; along with everything else, she is mine.

Enemy: Your days are purposeless. You don't 'do' anything to glorify God - you sit in an office all day. You're fat. You're clothes are old and you don't look look like your 'friends' with their pretty stylish clothes and perfect houses and perfect kids. You have wrinkles. I mean, to have all the 'stuff' going on in your life, you can't be a disciple for the Lord! Who are YOU?! To be 'useful' in the kingdom of God, you have DO more!
The Holy Spirit: YOU ARE CHOSEN! YOU ARE (MY) CHILD! YOU are justified, sanctified, redeemed. YOU are an heir with an inheritance in Heaven! IN CHRIST, YOU ARE COMPLETE! Nothing can take you away from ME! IT IS YOUR HEART THAT I LOVE because I AM the LOVE IN YOUR HEART! MY WORD IS TRUTH and I DESIRED YOU AND CALL YOU BY NAME ... YOUR WORTH IS IN ME AND YOU ARE MINE!

This is my relationship with The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. It is intimate. I talk to HIM all the time .... home, work, car, shower, grocery store ... I don't go anywhere without Him! When I say "Holy Spirit, YOU are welcome here" - 'here' is everywhere and anywhere that I am, doing whatever it is that I am doing, with whomever it is that I am with! HE IS THERE! His Word promises me that HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME and I believe it! I depend on it!

If you don't know Jesus, you may think I'm crazy and that this post is insane. That's OK, because Jesus' family thought he was crazy, too. The Word of God, His very breath breathed into it, clearly tells me that this world will think that I, too, am crazy because I follow Him and live my life according to His Word. Unless a person's heart, eyes, and ears are open to God, they will not understand. Though I try, I fail daily, but I am not utterly cast down because HE holds me in HIS righteous hands.

Ephesians clearly defines who I am in Christ. It describes in detail the armor that I need to fight the battle of spiritual warfare just like I described above! The more I stay IN HIM, the more aware I am of the enemy attacks. Make no mistake, I can't defeat the enemy on my own, but my REDEEMER and SAVIOR already has! I have a WAR ROOM where I go for strength and wisdom; guidance and understand; knowledge and rest because I am fully aware that the enemy is not resting - he is plotting, manipulating, lying, deceiving and waiting to pounce because he knows which buttons to push to get my attention!
I praise God for allowing me to love HIM and for being my ARMOR in these battles! YOU ARE HOLY, HOLY, HOLY!

The way is narrow ... Matthew 7:14

If the enemy doesn't hate you and isn't nipping at you, trying to do what it does: kill, steal, and destroy ... you may want to ask yourself "Why"? After all, that is the ultimate "end goal" for every person it can devour!
 I'm not saying it's always going to be difficult when you walk with Jesus - on the contrary because HE IS LOVE! I am saying that the enemy is crafty! He can make it easy, same as he can make it difficult!
"Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free of trouble because he doesn't want them turning to God. Their sin is like a jail cell, except it is all nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave. The door's wide open. Till one day, time runs out, and the cell door slams shut, and suddenly it's too late." God Is Not Dead quote

THE guarantee ...

" ... now He who establishes us with you in Christ and has anointed us is God, who has also sealed us and given us the Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee..."
2 Corinithians 1:21-22