I am not the prettiest girl everrrr...
I am not the smartest, the sexiest, the sweetest, nor the easiest to get along with.
I am your average, normal, “everyday” 42 year old single Mom! I have a 14 year daughter that I love as if she were my “MOM HEART” with arms, legs, and a head! I work full time and, although I do have a relatively “odd and sarcastic” sense of humor, I have been told that I am an “ice princess.” I like to have fun ~ but I do have a serious side, too. And, contrary to popular belief ~ and the fact that I have been divorced 11 ½ years ~ I have a soft, sweet, gentle, feminine, loving side as well; however, not too many have actually witnessed “that” me! Most see “Sandyrella ~ serious, all work and no play/fun” ~ Only a fortunate few have taken the time to tear down the walls that I have surrounded myself with; those few know the “real” me that the rest of world never see!
Having said all of that, I am not a selfish person. I am somewhat insecure and truly not the “most” confident. I have been known to sigh, huff, and stamp my foot, and “whompa – whompa” from time to time! I usually always apologize first, but I stand firm on what I believe and what I know to be true.
As a woman, I have been told that I don’t use “what God gave me” to get my way* ... I am not manipulative. In fact, I am just the opposite, I am tooooooo honest! I usually end up not getting what I want because I am too honest and I just don’t like to compete. Don’t get me wrong, I will work hard for what I want ~ I always have ~ because “if it isn’t worth working for, making a sacrifice to achieve the reward” then the reward must not be all that special and important. Patience is not my strongest ally, but I am working on that!
Now, a point of clarification here: I'm not a person who hates my body*. This body of mine has survived years of Crohn’s Disease and a battle with Breast Cancer and all the surgeries and meds that go along with both! This body has borne my child, produced and nurtured my daughter, even while doctors told me no such thing was possible. This body has known pleasure and given pleasure and allowed me to experience life through the richness of all of my senses.
This body is a blessing!
It is powerful!
It is womanly!
I live in gratitude for it!
But, in regards to my body, let's be honest: Nobody is going to see me in a swimsuit/bikini and immediately appreciate my body for all that it has done and been through!
My hesitation, my anxiety — nay, my total terror — of the bikini has to do with aesthetics. All that living I have done has now, at age 40-something, left its souvenirs (scars, bulges, wrinkles, and these freaky little age-spot thingys, to name a few).
But, I have come to a realization... If I can’t change my body, the only possible thing I can change is the way I care about how people might “judge” my body.
In retrospect, isn't this the very nature of self-esteem? Unshakeable self-esteem translates as an understanding and acceptance, and dare I say “appreciation” of who and what you are, irrespective of the estimations of others. At least, that is what I think it is...
At any rate, the only real choice I have, other than to care what others think about me, my life, my attitude, my body, is to just stop caring!
Seriously... STOP! .... Like flipping off a light switch.
Because, if I continue to worry about whether I am good enough, sweet enough, pretty enough ~ “anything enough” ~ I will be miserable and self-conscious, neither of which are fun or improve and enrich my life! It’s a waste of my energy ... and I need every single ounce of energy within me, just to be ME!